


And My Thoughts Are Getting Dark, And I'm Struggling To Be Heard

by spocksbrowneyes



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: And I'm really sorry., Angst, Blood, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:08:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25553311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spocksbrowneyes/pseuds/spocksbrowneyes
Summary: The whines turned into cries, Obstagoon sitting on the other side of the door, an inch of wood and a foot too far from its trainer. Piers drowned out the noise. He’d be better off.
Relationships: Kibana | Raihan/Nezu | Piers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 62





	And My Thoughts Are Getting Dark, And I'm Struggling To Be Heard

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry I wrote this. But I did.
> 
> I think that this needs to be said, so I'll say it. You are worth it. Do not end your life. You are beautiful. You are handsome. You are valid. You are not evil. You are not a waste of time or space. You are not damaged beyond repair. You are none of the horrible things you tell yourself. There is someone out there who loves you. And if you don't believe me, know I love you. I may not know you. But I love you. If you can't stay alive for yourself. Stay alive for someone else. If you can't find someone else, stay alive for me. And know that I'm cheering you on, along with everyone else who loves you. You are strong. You are amazing. It's going to be okay.
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Piers didn’t quite know what time it was, late, too late. Even the shouting on Spikemuth’s streets had gone quiet. A suffocating silence, a reminder that no one as there. That no one could stop him. And that few would care. There was whining coming from outside the bathroom door as Piers took a deep breath, and pressed the razor blade he’d kept in a bathroom drawer for as long as he could remember into his wrist. The whines turned into cries, Obstagoon sitting on the other side of the door, an inch of wood and a foot too far from its trainer. Piers drowned out the noise. He’d be better off.

Cut.

Piers’ phone vibrated, it was Raihan. He’d been texting him all day. He hadn’t responded, he hadn’t even read them. Certain kinds of darkness can muffle emotion, and allow one to focus on what they need to do. Piers didn’t mind that darkness. The kind that had crept in, that had begun it’s conquest the day his father was reported dead after an accident with a Dynamaxed pokemon.

Cut.

When Marnie was born, Piers had promised himself that he would protect her for anything in the world. But this would hurt her. His melancholy always had. The note he wrote her would hurt. Seeing him lying dead on his bathroom floor, would scar.

Cut.

The day his mother was diagnosed with cancer. Her battle, the war. The war she couldn’t win, but never gave up on. The night Piers had hugged her tight, and she wiped tears from his face, only for her last drop of life, to be spent. When he promised her that they would be okay. 

Cut.

When his stepdad first punched him. The first time of many. The beginning of regular abuse, that was only adding to the breakdown of his will.

Cut.

When Marnie found out. She’d cried. She had cried and cried. She hated seeing her brother hurt. But he hated himself more.

Cut.

When they’d been freed from their stepdad’s wrath, and Piers thought maybe he would start feeling better. 

_ “What a naive fool you were…”  _ Piers thought.

Cut.

The day he took over the gym. All eyes were on him to try and bring a broken town back together. He’d failed them all. Every. Single. Person. All of Team Yell, who’d been there for him. Marnie, who really did deserve better.

Cut.

When 2 painstakingly slow years passed and he’d decided he’d had enough and tried to end his life. Only for Raihan to stop him. But he wasn’t here now. Tears dripped down Piers’ cheeks at the thought of the happy-go-lucky Dragon-type trainer.

A cut for the thought.

A cut for the tears.

When he’d met Gloria and Hop. Two bright, young trainers, both destined for greatness. They’d both gotten what they deserved, and were flourishing. Marnie alongside them. She would be fine as long as she had them. Right?

Another cut.

When Raihan had complimented his skill. The skill he didn’t really have.

Cut.

When the same man had asked Piers to be his boyfriend. Raihan deserved so much better. And yet Piers had accepted. He allowed a man as amazing as Raihan to grow attached to a screw up like himself. Piers didn’t want Raihan to be upset when he found out. He wished that Raihan secretly hated him, and wouldn’t shed a tear over his death. But he knew he would.

Cut.

Cut.

Cut.

**_Cut._ **

Piers looked at his arms. Bleeding and slit. There was blood on the floor, pooling.

Piers pushed himself up off the floor, dizzy. He set the blade down on the counter, running his arms under the sink water. The water was stained red as it flushed out the wounds, and it burned. Piers watched, he slumped against the counter but still watched. The world would be free of him soon. And he would be free from the pain of living. He felt sick. Nausea from the bloodloss getting to him and the knot in his stomach tightening. It felt as if he’d jumped off a bridge in his mind though. Like he was falling, and wishing his feet had never left the ground. And that maybe by some miracle, somebody would catch him. Someone would fix the gashes. Put back the blood that made up the puddles of the floor, and smeared on the counter and wall, that was flowing down the drain.

Piers felt weak, his knees gave out from under him, and he fell back, slamming his head against the door, and the tile. The pain, and the sickness, and the weakness. They all seemed to fade with his vision, all of a hallucination, that he could see Rai, looking at him, scared, horrified, was all that he could see before everything went dark. The last thoughts in his mind were of Obstagoon, the pokemon that he’d raised himself. Marnie, his baby sister, that he’d loved with all his being, and praying she’d be okay. And Raihan, someone who’d never given up, no matter how troublesome Piers could be.

As numbness washed over him like a warm ocean wave, he thanked them all, for trying.

…

…

…

…

…

It felt like Piers was underwater. Not drowning, but not swimming. As if he was floating beneath the surface, being rocked gently by the current. Suddenly there was light, movement, chaotic and yet organized. A blur of noise. Then nothing. Nothing at all. A bright light, then back to darkness. Then the water again. Peaceful and warm, but heavy.

Piers opened his eyes, he couldn’t make anything out. It was just a bright light, that made him want to close his eyes again. Was he dead? Because it looked like he was dead. But… he could feel something. He could feel himself be alive. He felt groggy and nauseous, the peace from the waters gone, but he was breathing. His heart was beating. 

He blinked his eyes again. There was something, it as too fuzzy to make out, but there was a weird shape of, of some kind. 

There was suddenly something that touched Piers’ cheek, snapping him out of his hazy state of consciousness entirely.

“Chansey!” the pokemon chirped.

Piers was completely still. The pokemon beaming at him, caressing his face, happily standing beside him. It took Piers a moment for everything to hit him. The grogginess was amplified, and his arms hurt. And as he looked around his surroundings, he recognized where he was. He was laying in a hospital bed. There was a shuffling from the other side of the room, but Piers couldn’t see anything because the pokemon was too busy petting him.

However, it turned, and cheered again, “Chansey, Chansey!”

Before Piers even had time to be confused, a muscular frame, warm with familiarity, wrapped around him.

“Piers!”

It was Raihan. He couldn’t even react. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. He didn’t think he’d be alive. 

Raihan put his hands on Piers’ shoulders, looking into the ice-blue eyes of his boyfriend. He’d been so worried. He had come to check on Piers since he’d been ghosting his messages all day. He originally tried to convince himself that Piers was just busy with the gym, but around 1 in the morning, there was a sick feeling in his stomach, like a 6th sense, that something was wrong. Really, really wrong. Like if he did check on Piers right then, something horrible was going to happen. Raihan, not being one to have anxiety, listened to his gut, and did so. He’d gone to Piers’ apartment his heart rate turning more and more erratic as he got closer, and pounding in his chest when he heard Obstagoon’s pained howl, sounding more like a cry.

He’d gotten through the bathroom door with the pokemon’s help to find a scene that he wished he never had to see. There was blood on the floor, the wall, the counter, the door. A razor blade, crimson coating the sharp edge. Piers was lying on the floor, blood stained on his shirt and pants, his already pale skin looking even lighter, nearly ashen. The white of his hair looked terrifyingly similar.

It was a blur after that. Calling an ambulance, yelling at him, as if it would wake him up. The only thing keeping a small fire of hope burning was the too slow, and too shallow, movement of his chest. He was crying, Raihan, someone who was known for his sunny attitude, sobbing, begging for his boyfriend to not be dead. Pleading to Acreus, Piers, fate, whoever would listen.

Piers looked at him, confused, and sad. Raihan shook his head at nothing in particular and went back to hugging Piers, kissing his cheeks, and his forehead, and his lips.

Piers didn’t know what to do, what to say, so he said all he could think of, “M’ sorry Rai.”

Raihan pulled out of the hug, “What on Earth do you have to be sorry for?”

Piers couldn’t look at him, “For trying to die. For trying to fucking  _ die _ .”

Raihan gently brought Piers’ head up to meet his, his hand caressing one of his cheeks, “Don’t you dare beat yourself up for that. Piers, you’ve done nothing wrong.  _ Nothing _ . You did it because it seemed like it was all you could do anymore. And if I’m wrong about that, tell me.”

Piers stayed quiet. Raihan wasn’t wrong. It seemed to be all that as reasonable. The only choice.

Raihan wrapped him in a hug, to which Piers allowed, snuggling into the crook of his neck. Raihan kneaded his fingers into his boyfriend’s shoulder blades, Piers relaxed into his touch. It felt a bit like the waters again, just a bit warmer.


End file.
